The 89 Year Old Thief

89 Year Old Thief

“Fifty Bucks is Fifty Bucks!”

Photo Credit: Canned Muffins via CC Flickr
Photo Credit: Canned Muffins via CC Flickr

Many people today have created a Bucket List. A Bucket List is a register of things that a person would like to do before the die. The list can be anything…ranging from something simple to a desire to accomplish that might be almost impossible to complete.

Such is the case of Ed, husband of his lifelong sweetheart, his wife, Norma….

Ed and his wife Norma go to the state fair every year, and every year Ed would say, ” Norma, I’d like to ride in that helicopter “

Norma always replied, “I know Ed , but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,
and fifty bucks is fifty bucks! ”

One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said, “Norma, I’m 75 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance”

To this, Norma replied, “Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks”

The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny! But if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.”

Ed and Norma agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word…

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed! ”

Ed replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Norma fell out, but you know…fifty bucks is fifty bucks! ”

———————–

Hope this comical story made you giggle!! Have a great day!!!

Grandpa Gets Audited

Photo Credit: GotCredit via CC Flickr
Photo Credit: GotCredit via CC Flickr

Everybody needs a giggle or a chuckle at least once a day…today is no different. I hope that the following little story brings a smile to your face and a little joy to your heart.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’

I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a
demonstration?’

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’

Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my
other eye.’

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with
Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he
agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains
mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side,
so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss
into a huge win.

But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.

‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d
been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he
could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy about
it!’

I keep telling you! Don’t Mess with Old People!!

Always Wear Underwear!

Photo Credit: Michael 1952 via CC Flickr
Photo Credit: Michael 1952 via CC Flickr

A good story can always brighten up your day…..

Always wear underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. A story was posted in a newspaper a while ago of a Brisbane couple who drove their car to a shopping center, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with her shopping while he fixed the car.

The wife returned a while later to see a small group of people gathered near her car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis.

Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward and quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the roof of he car and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.

The car mechanic however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Confessions of A Cab Driver

Photo Credit: Marta Diarra via CC Flickr
Photo Credit: Marta Diarra via CC Flickr

One night, a Cabbie picked up a nun. As they were riding, the cabbie confessed, “Sister, I have to get something off my chest.”

“What is that, my son.”

“Well, I’ve always had an urge to kiss a nun and I was wondering if you could be so kind.” “Well, my son, I think that can be arranged.”

The cabbie pulled over and the nun leaned over the seat and gave the cabbie the deepest, longest, wet kiss he could ever hope for.

The nun sat back. The cabbie said, “Thank you sister, I will carry that bliss to my death…by the way, my name is Frank and I feel terribly guilty now because I’m Catholic.”

The nun says, “Well, Frank, that’s ok, my name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.”

I hope you enjoyed the giggle. Have a great day and take the time to make someone else smile today!!

An Email From The Great Beyond

Photo Credit: Sean MacEntee via CC FLickr
Photo Credit: Sean MacEntee via CC FLickr

As we all know, everyone makes mistakes…that are part of life and one of the ways that we grow as individuals. Well, today’s story should teach us all something else important…a lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!

*****************

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to co-ordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, Texas, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral.  He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read “To: My Loving Wife Subject: I’ve Arrived Date: June 28, 2014 I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in.  I’ve seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.  Looking forward to seeing you  then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.    

  1. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!”  

The Great Debate: Complete or Finished?

Photo Credit: Tim Regan via CC Flickr
Photo Credit: Tim Regan via CC Flickr

No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between “complete” and “finished.” However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, England, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was asked to make that very distinction.

The question by a colleague in the erudite audience was this: “Some say there is no difference between ‘complete’ and ‘finished.’ Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.”

Mr. Balgobin’s response: “When you marry the right woman, you are ‘complete.” If you marry the wrong woman, you are ‘finished.’ And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ‘completely finished.'”

His answer received a five minute standing ovation…

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Hope this little story brought a smile to your face. We all need a little joy in our lives to brighten our days!  🙂

The Giggle of the Week

Photo Credit: Thejbird via CC Flickr
Photo Credit: Thejbird via CC Flickr

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard ‘Jesus is watching you.’

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot.

‘Yes’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he’s watching you.’

The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’

‘Moses,’ replied the bird.

‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’

‘The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’

A REAL Hump Day Story

I thought that it would be a good idea to take the time and tell everyone a story that will, hopefully, allow you to smile, feel good about yourself, and forget the stresses and worries of your world…even if it just for a short time. So, with out any further delay, here is today’s story…

Once upon a time, there was a very handsome male camel that had two huge camel humps.

2 humps

 

He fell in love and married a very beautiful female camel who had one perfect camel hump.

1 Hump

 

As time progressed, they became the proud parents of a wonderful baby camel who had no humps.

Baby

 

They contemplated for a very, very long time on what name to give to their beautiful little boy. Well, after a while, they finally decided on a name…

Are you ready for this?

 

They named him…

 

HUMPREY!!!

 

OK…stop your whining! This story is a lot better than some of the other garbage that you read about!

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Have yourself a big smile and a great day!

 

 

You Just Can’t Make This Stuff Up!!

It never ceases to amaze me, when I find stories which show the brilliance and wisdom that is found in so some people each and every day. Usually when I read these stories, all I can do is just shake my head and say to myself, “Unbelievable!”
You have to read this story before you look at the picture… 
This was this guy’s first boat and he was taking it to the lake, but he wasn’t quite sure of  the correct procedure for launching a boat off a ramp. 
 
However, he figured  it couldn’t be that difficult to do, so he stopped by his Union office for advice, and they just told  him. 
 
“Just don’t let the trailer get too deep in the water when you’re launching your boat, and you  should be fine”. 
 
 Well later on, he couldn’t understand what they meant by that, as he just could barely get  his trailer in the  water! 
 
Here’s a picture  worth a “thousand’ words! You’re going to love this guy!!! 

Stupid

How I Learned to Mind My Buisness

Photo Credit: Orin Zebest via CC Flickr
Photo Credit: Orin Zebest via CC Flickr

I was walking past a mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting. “13…13…13.”

Well, the fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little hole in the planks, so I decided to look through it and see what was going on.

Suddenly, some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting, “14…14…14.”

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What a unique way to learn a lesson!!!

One of Life’s Most Embarassing Moments

Sometimes, tings in life aren’t what they seem…..as told by this person for instance.

I was in a public toilet and had just sat down, when I heard a voice from the next cubicle, he said, “Hi!, how are you?

Embarrassed, I said, “I am doing just fine”.

The voice said “So, what are you up to?

I said, “Just doing the same as you, sitting here!”.

He said,”Can I come over?”.

Annoyed, I said, “Rather busy right now”.

The voice said, “Listen, I will have to call you back later, there’s an idiot in the stall next to me answering all my questions.”

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Ahhhh….Life Goes On….. 🙂

 

Today is the Day to Burn Your Snowman!

Photo Credit: lssu.edu/snowman
Photo Credit: lssu.edu/snowman

Did you know that today, the first official day of Spring, is the official Snowman burning day? I found the following article from Lake Superior State University which details the events of this hallowed day!

Lake Superior State University continues its time-honored tradition of welcoming spring by burning a massive, paper snowman at high noon on the first day of Spring. Student Government barbecue hot dogs and serve them to the students and guests as part of the celebration.

History

The first spring snowman burning was held in March 1971 by the Unicorn Hunters, a former campus club. Traditionally it has been held on the first day of spring to bid good-bye to winter and welcome spring.

The burning takes its inspiration from the Rose Sunday Festival in Weinheim-an-der-Bergstrasse, Germany. In the festival, a parade passes through town to a central location, where the mayor makes a proposal to the town’s children. If the children are good, study, obey their parents and work hard, he will order the (straw) snowman to be burned, and spring will officially arrive. After the children yell their approval and make their promise, the snowman is burned.

Some people hold that rising smoke rising from the fire is supposed to ward off blizzards and usher in spring-like weather. The Unicorn Hunters capitalized on this theory during the second or third year of the event. At that time, after the snowman was burned, a blizzard passed through the eastern Upper Peninsula and northern Lower Peninsula but missed Sault Ste. Marie.

Snowmen

LSSU’s snowman has taken on many shapes over the years. During the 1970s, when women’s liberation was a news issue, a “snow person” was burned. In the 1980s, when clones and “cloning” were first in the news, a “snow clone” was torched. The Unicorn Hunters also burned a Snow Ayatollah Khomeni during the Iran hostage crisis. In the late 1980s, the snowmen began to take the form of a Lake State rival hockey team, usually whichever team the Lakers were playing that weekend. This was dropped after a few years when many complained that it brought bad luck to the team.

Snowmen are made out of wood, paper destined for the recycling bin, along with some straw, wire and some paint. They are usually husky and stand 10 to 12 feet tall.

Past Event Festivities

Poetry is usually a cornerstone event at snowman burnings, but participation varies every year. Students, faculty, staff, retirees, townspeople and elementary school children have all written poems for the snowman burning. Usually, the master of ceremonies welcomes the crowd and gives a history of the activity. Then, the poems, if there are any, are read while the snowman burns.

Several years ago, LSSU’s public relations office turned the poetry reading into a contest. A month or so before the first day of spring, an elementary class or two was singled out and asked to write poems for the snowman burning. The students were eager to participate. They submitted poems a week or two before the event, and they were judged. The top three were read by the emcee at the ceremony. Prizes were awarded. Poets or would-be poets were given the chance to read their own works or have the emcee read them.

From introduction to conclusion, the ceremony lasts approximately 15 minutes.

Year Without Snowman Burning

The University never knew just how many people enjoyed and followed snowman burning until the event was cancelled in 1992 due to environmental concerns. A student group, the Environmental Awareness Club, protested that many toxins are released into the atmosphere when a snowman burns. While this may be true, the University pointed out that its students and staff put many more contaminants in the air just by driving to school on any given day.

The Environmental Awareness Club’s concerns were brought to light the day before the event was to occur, and the PR office abruptly canceled that year’s burning, saying that the event is supposed to be light-hearted and fun, and they didn’t want it to take on a negative tone. The PR Office suggested that employees and students leave their cars at home and walk to campus on that day to offset any environmental damage the burning snowman may have caused over the years.

On the day of the cancelled event, reporters called as expected, but so did many local residents, business people and city politicians, who were furious. It was the topic of conversation for weeks (and it still comes up!) and many students and radio personalities vowed to continued the 22-year tradition. A North Dakota radio station put organizers of the snowman burning on the air live during a call-in show. Every listener who called said he/she would vote to continue the tradition.

Radio, TV and newspaper reporters turned out on the day of the event to interview students on campus. Students gathered where the event was supposed to have occurred. They read poetry, passed out daffodils and called for the snowman to be burned.

Needless to say, the tradition was resumed the following year.

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Source: http://www.lssu.edu/snowman/

A Hilarious Colonoscopy Journal

Photo Credit: basykes via Flickr
Photo Credit: basykes via Flickr

Colonoscopies are one of the most important yet scary procedures that people experience. While the process can help save hundreds and thousands of lives a year, many people are still are filled with fear and trepidation when thinking of it. The following “Colonoscopy “Journal” is simply a hilarious “journal” that a person wrote during his experience of his preparation for his first colonoscopy. It will certainly bring a smile to your face and tears to your eyes (from laughter). One word of note…everything come out good in the end!  

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, ‘HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!’
I left Andy’s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ‘MoviPrep,’ which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America ‘s enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes – and here I am being kind – like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, ‘a loose, watery bowel movement may result.’ This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don’t want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything.
And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ‘What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough. At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn’t thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was ‘Dancing Queen’ by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, ‘Dancing Queen’ had to be the least appropriate. ‘You want me to turn it up?’ said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
‘Ha ha,’ I said.
And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like–I have no idea. Really.. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling ‘Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,’ and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies…
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous….. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. ‘Take it easy, Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before!’
2. ‘Find Amelia Earhart yet?’
3. ‘Can you hear me NOW?’
4. ‘Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?’
5. ‘You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.’
6. ‘Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?’
7. ‘You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…’
8. ‘Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!’
9. ‘If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!’
10. ‘Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.’
11. ‘You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?’
12. ‘God, now I know why I am not gay.’
And the best one of all:
13.Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?’